Tomorrow I am signing probably two dozen papers to officially become a homeowner for the first time. It is both fascinating and terrifying in literally the same point in space/time. However, when I look back to the nearly ten years of apartment dwelling, it is easy to make an unordered list of the things I will not miss at all about living in apartments.

• Other people.
• Neighbors above/below/next to making loud noises.
• Neighbors above/below/next to having sex.
• The smell of Indian curry every day.
• No parking.
• Roommates who do not clean anything.
• Roommates who do not clean out refrigerators and leave food to die.
• Roommates who can’t pay their rent or utilities on time.
• Roommates.
• Screaming mothers who can’t control their screaming at any time of the day.
• Non-existent parking violations that result in towing.
• False accusations by the leasing office about pets that aren’t yours.
• Terrible maintenance staff who either don’t fix things, or don’t fix them well.
• Terrible maintenance staff who can’t plow a road or parking spot well.
• The Dog Shit Police.
• The neighbors below who smoked all the time.
• The next set of neighbors below who cook fish gumbo at midnight every day.
• People who do not live in this complex and their shitty dogs.
• Constant police activity in or near our complex.
• Shitty air conditioner in the front room that did nothing.
• Living on the second floor.
• Moving.
• Doing laundry in the basement with other people’s laundry.

And last, but certainly not least:

• Paying money to a bottomless pit of a holding company in New Jersey.

Being in a house may be more trouble than renting, but at least it is goddamn mine.