At the risk of inflating my ego a bit, I’ve been on the internet a long time. Longer than most people. But more importantly, I’ve been witness to the shape and form the internet has taken over the past nearly two decades. So when it comes to the sort of bullshit people write now that has become so repetitive you can tell lameass Hollywood writers are behind it, you damn skippy I take notice. So consider this my personal list of things on the internet that needs to die.
- You’ll Never Guess What Happened Next – Really? Because I can. It’s the sound of your goddamn advertising dollars clinking around in your virtual piggy bank every time some fifty-year-old mother clicks on a news story about someone’s “father” enlightening his “daughter” on some social custom you think you know better because you didn’t grow up with an iPhone.
- This Guy/Girl/Porpoise/Elephant/Stage Magician NAILS It! – Look, if you believe that every thirty seconds, some regular guy in Regulartown Idaho suddenly understands quadratic equations after he woke up one day and accidentally landed face first into a bowl of Frosted Flakes because his two-year-old left the toys out again, I hate to tell you that regular people are actually way smarter than government-trained media idiots think they are when it comes time to vote. You’re not reading startling revelations here. You’re reading everyday life. Put down the fucking tablet and go outside.
- 49 Ways Your Cat Is Planning to Invest 16 of the Past Dead Mice into a Stock Portfolio – Look, I get it. You just discovered SEO. The “focus groups” of the internet. Throw some buzzwords, splice some outdated 4chan memes you found on KnowYourMeme because you were too busy going to the beach and partying with your sorority girls back when the internet flash-mobbed these memes into existence. It’s one part numbers and another part the topic. You know people will click anything in lists, because they endlessly repost them tagging their friends saying something like OH MY GOD AUNT LINDA THIS IS SO YOU, and you know people like cats, but the worse crime is the fact that rather than making it all go on one page, you spread it on forty-nine pages slathered with ads to increase your revenues. I seriously hope someone titles your eulogy “26 Ways We All Seriously Hated the Shit John Wrote on the Internet” at your funeral.
- This Stay-At-Home Mom Made $4200 a Day Using This One Weird Tip – Darwinism is great. Take pyramid schemes for example. We all know they’re a crock of shit, and you will end up six ways of fucked in the end, but gullible stupid people do it anyway because they see the character $ and ignore everything else arou–
- What do you think about X? – I know, social networking means commenting on shit, but for news media organizations, this is how they remain painfully relevant where the internet would have shed their dry disgusting carcasses off years ago. It’s not enough to click-bait people into their non-news bloatware TMZ-style bullshit, they want you to voice an opinion on it. The problem is, people do, and thus a new, older generation of internet trolls were born. Not knowing the fine arts of NOT YOUR PERSONAL ARMY, they insist on peddling their 1950’s world views on Facebook like anything hip enough would give a shit. It’s actually amazing a Republican president can’t win on social media, because if you’re ever on it on December 7th, just listen to some of the bullshit that flies there.
More to come, I’m sure.
YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT I WRITE NEXT!