35 Things People Just Do and Fuck You I’m a Walrus

Every time I read something about how people think I should be as a person or as a husband, it really, really annoys me. Not because what they have to say isn’t valid, or what they’re talking about makes sense, but because they have the audacity to do it. I know we live in strange times, full of high-information low-density reading online, where “listicles” and ordered lists of SEO-friendly information dominate our opinions and editorials, but if I didn’t appreciate my mother or father telling me how to do things twenty-five years ago (even if they were right) doesn’t mean I want some asshole on the internet to either.

But, in the sake of fairness, and because these topics are all the rage online, I am going to address this article that showed up on a Youtube channel I infrequent. For fun, I am going to respond to all thirty-five. Because why not?

  1. Do 50% (or more) of housework.
  2. I don’t do percentages of the housework, I just do the housework. You’re operating on a social stereotype that is probably forty or fifty years old now. I don’t know of very many guys anymore that just sit around watching football all day while their girl cleans. We clean our house according to our schedules, which usually means I clean on weekends and she cleans on Mondays. We both equally bitch to each other about having to clean, because we’re both lazy as shit from working 40–50 hours a week. But even during the week, if something needs to be cleaned up, we just do it. Do yourself a favor, and talk to a lot of couples and maybe find out how household chores get done before you sit here and tell me what I should be doing to support my family.

  3. Do 50% (or more) of emotional support work in your intimate relationships and friendships.
  4. You know what, I’ll give this to you a little, but only because I have various weird issues where I try as hard as I can to support my wife, but I don’t do it as well as many guys do. I love and care for her greatly, like any guy would, but I have a more difficult time showing it to where she often gets upset with me because I am doing it wrong. Maybe you should offer guys like me ideas or resources we can go to for guys with broken mental capacities.

  5. Consume cultural products produced by women.
  6. I am not opposed to reading and watching things with these sorts of themes, but it has to make sense. An example is the current fervor over women in video games. I obviously want female characters, themes, stories, and issues in gaming, but they have to be written in a way that makes them relate. Lazy writers and developers think they can just drop someone in and we’ll automatically know what to do with them. It doesn’t work like that. Try harder.

  7. Give women space.
  8. Ambiguous statement. Your example cites physical space, like buses and gatherings, but what does that mean? Are you telling me women are fragile and constantly afraid of their surroundings? Because I think a lot of women might disagree with you, especially the ones who want to be around other people. I’m smart enough to stay away from my wife if she is angry or upset and let her come to me if she wants me to be involved. I learned the hard way provoking women before they’ve had a chance to breathe yields a bad time.

  9. … but insert yourself into spaces where you can use your maleness to interrupt sexism.
  10. My maleness huh? Listen, I am not a white knight, and I have a feeling some of the women in your own feminist circles know what I mean when you ask me to step in to a situation to rescue the damsel-in-distress, because she’s a strong independent woman who don’t need no man. Women can take care of themselves. If the guy doesn’t get the hint or things get weird, then maybe I’ll entertain that notion, but I am a social introvert who doesn’t butt in to other men’s dealings, much less women’s dealings.

    Are you mocking me because I have poor personal skills, you ablest shitlord?

  11. When a woman tells you something is sexist, believe her.
  12. No. You explain why, and you effectively show me why that point-of-view is valid and not garbage psychology parroted from a Jezebel or Mary Sue article written by propagandists. I don’t do listen and believe.

  13. Educate yourself about sexual consent and make sure there is clear, unambiguous communication of consent in all your sexual relationships.
  14. I’m going to be honest here, I’ve had sex with two women, counting my wife. I’ve had maybe a half-dozen or more attempts to tap that ass with other women and I declined. They’re women, they’re people, and they were/are friends. When faceless internet denizens feel the need to lecture me about sexual consent and how I treat women, they are told to fuck off into a stack of pancakes in a subway station on the moon.

    I treat people like people and not like objects of conquest. I didn’t need feminism to do that, I needed common fucking sense

  15. Be responsible for contraception.
  16. I told my ex-girlfriend ten years ago that I’d help pay for birth control since she did not like using condoms. It was ten bucks a month through whatever insurance or plan she had at the time. I felt that was a small price to pay for not having kids in our early-twenties. I don’t remember what happened, but she could no longer get it, we tried this other thing that was basically like sticking your dick into fly trap paper, and then she left me for another guy. So I guess I am a shitty shitty feminist yeaaaaah for not just shoving money at her for more birth control, or just giving her a child, which is what she probably wanted anyway. The point of this story is, again, not all situations are yours. Effective communication solves your contraception and family planning problems.

  17. Get the HPV vaccine.
  18. Well, you should get vaccinated for whatever we have vaccines for. I’m not a dirty anti-vaxxer, science is what makes us not die at age 25. Deal with it.

  19. Have progressive name politics.
  20. I didn’t have this problem, because my wife wanted my last name, but in general, people can decide to name themselves whatever they want. Personally, if I had to deal with someone like that, I’d probably suggest a different last name as a compromise. I don’t like hyphenated names, because that’s too many fucking letters to have to write on forms. But I will say I would have taken my wife’s last name, if only to name a son Phoenix.

  21. If you have children, be an equal parent.
  22. If anyone has to explain this, or quantify this in any way, it’s not a gender issue, it’s a human issue. If you can’t be a father, don’t have kids. Simple as that.

  23. Pay attention to and challenge informal instances of gender role enforcement.
  24. How about you leave people alone and let them do what they want to do? Some women like to cook. Some men like to grill. Others like to be helpful and clean, male or female. I am not going to be that asshole who walks into a party and shouts HEY ANDY, STOP BEING A FUCKING SHITLORD FOR TEN SECONDS AND GO DO THE DISHES YOU WORTHLESS FUCK! Not only are people not going to appreciate your social justice activism, they are especially not going to appreciate your authoritarian attitude. I do a lot of house cleaning ahead of our gatherings, so I am going to sit in the chair and drink my soda and you can fuck off into a corner. Better yet, make yourself useful and rake my leaves if you love challenging gender roles so much.

  25. Be mindful of implicit and explicit gendered power differentials in your intimate/domestic relationships with women…whether a partner or family members or roommates.
  26. In order to holistically administrate exceptional synergy we will differentiate the structural integrity of the warp plasma manifolds to correct the inherent power differential between a car battery and a bottle of mouthwash. Seriously, if your mission statement contains a bunch of words you learned in college women’s studies courses and the only reason you use them is to justify to your parents that they made a worthwhile investment on your future, consider this: Most people in this country have the language comprehension of a middle or high schooler. Your description of this issue probably sailed right over their heads. But for the people who do get it, when you say be mindful I see that as get educated, and that’s the last thing you want me to do, because educating yourself on modern social structures and how each gender plays into them reveals a much different situation than your boogeyman patriarchy of the 1950’s. Women are all over education and the workforce, they earn top-dollar in a lot of industries, and they are the breadwinners in many more households than before. The gendered wage gap? It’s not what people think it is, because it ignores things like education, qualifications, and other merits. If you spent the time researching any of these power differentials and talk them over with your partner, both of you will be more educated than the combined viewerships of FOX News and CNN and the combined readerships of every online publication ever.

    “IT’S— on Tumblr.”

  27. Make sure that honesty and respect guide your romantic and sexual relationships with women.
  28. I respect my wife. A lot. But that doesn’t mean we still don’t call each other assholes and yell a bunch sometimes because we’re people with feelings, not robots following GLORIOUS FEMLEADER. Do not question my integrity unless you know who I am. Believe in my integrity. You know, believe, right? That’s what we do, right? Explicitly believe in others?

  29. Don’t be an online bystander in the face of sexism.
  30. It’s not my job to be the word/tone police. People can say what they want. If they are full of shit, I might call them out on it, or someone else will. This idea that there are dens of misogyny out there where people just circlejerk around about how terrible women are is really nonsensical. Girls can sit around a bar table and talk about how their husbands are lazy shitsacks and no one will care. So if some faceless dudes sit around IRC and bitch about how they have no girlfriends, busting in and calling them sexist shitbags is disingenuous towards bags of cow manure. Don’t pretend you understand the face of sexism because it is almost always your interpretation.

  31. Be responsible with money in domestic/romantic relationships.
  32. Ah, so this is the part where you remind women that credit cards are not free money and that owning fifty pairs of shoes is wasteful spending, right? No? Oh. See, it’s cute that y’all talk about wasteful spending and gambling and other gendered spending habits yet ignore the fact that men and women are capable of racking up household debts that can cripple credit scores and make it so that you can’t even afford to buy a car. Or, even better, let’s talk about divorce and how much financial clowning around occurs there. See, I have no problem letting my wife handle the finances and dictate spending because it allows her to understand how important those things are, because no one taught her how. Hell, I’m not that great either, but I am a somewhat thrifty spender, still wearing the same pair of broken shoes because they ain’t done yet. With her managing the books, that keeps us from spending beyond our means.

    Seems like I am already winning this contest to see who is the Super Ultra Double-R Winner of Women.

  33. Be responsible for your own health.
  34. Yeah, this is rather important. But it’s a matter of pride for some people, women included. Plus healthcare is expensive, and if you ain’t dying, you can suck it up, buttercup.

  35. Don’t ogle or make comments about women. (i.e., Keep your tongue in your mouth and comments to yourself.)
  36. Man, the funny thing is, I have to stop my wife from ogling other men, or women, sometimes. The best thing about being married to a character like her is that she doesn’t fit these radfem molds, she could care less about your structured feminism. If she sees something she likes, she points it out. We have a good chuckle, and we go back to what we’re doing. So if you would not mind, kindly fuck off. We’ll do what we want.

  37. Pay attention to the sex of experts and key figures presenting information to you in the media.
  38. It really doesn’t matter who is who, if you have agency and you use it to disseminate misinformation, you are a shitty human being. So if you have useful information or a viewpoint that you’re not dragging through the mud, you bet I am paying attention. Otherwise, you’re dismissed. I said good day sir and/or ma’am.

  39. Ensure that some of your heroes and role models are women.
  40. I don’t have any heroes or role models. Men or women. I do admire the work people have done, and there are historical figures of both sexes who have done great things. But having heroes and role models to me are the marks of people who leverage other people to define their lacking personality. It’s especially prevalent in nerd circles, people cling to nerd icons to feel a sense of inclusiveness in this weird stalker-like behavior I’ve never understood, and when their idols turn out to have different views than them, some get really, really hurt and lash out all over social media. Appreciating great people is one thing, obsessing over them and having pictures on the wall, well, look at the Parks and Recreation character Leslie Knope.

  41. Praise the virtues and accomplishments of women in your life to others
  42. My wife is my biggest inspiration to the last decade of my life. Super serious. No joke. The fallout from my ex fucked me up pretty good. Every person I called a friend save for one or two basically went out with that relationship because they either went with her, or did not respect my feelings in a number of matters. Ten years ago, you might’ve been able to make me a loyal feminist foot soldier because I was beta as shit, and depressed to match. My wife is a stronger person than I am, and I let her change all but maybe the core of me over these ten years. Now, I can confidently look you radfems in the face and tell you that your shit is stupid, and you can take it somewhere else, because I know better. As for other women like my wife, who don’t need to buy into institutionalized crap and sweatshop-manufactured messages, they will always earn my respect. Integrity and character will always earn my respect.

  43. Have integrity with your male friends. (i.e., Don’t be a “bro.”)
  44. I’ll say, this is important, but not because it is a gendered issue, but because integrity is important to me. No one likes “bros” as much as bros think people like them, because they’re brash and obnoxious, and they harass men just as much as they harass women, because they think everyone should be on their level. But I don’t think you’re applying integrity correctly here. I think you wanted character instead, because a bro can have integrity if he sticks to his principles of being a sweaty meathead. Character in your friends is always important, and if your friends lack character, they need to shovel snow and camp in mosquitoes for three weeks to get some.

  45. Don’t treat your spouse like a “nag.” If she is “nagging,” you are probably lagging.
  46. If I am lagging, it’s because the cat is chewing on the coax again. Really affecting my ping times, you jerks.

  47. Know that acknowledging your own sexist opinions and stereotypes you hold is not enough. Do something about them.
    But permit me to be serious again, if I thought I was sexist or I treated women badly, actively or passively, I’d sure as shit do something about it because I am not a complete tool. The trouble is, you, the self-righteous internet fool, don’t know who I am or what I do, and that’s okay. You’re not supposed to. So listen and believe when I tell you that I am not that type of person, and further nitpicking at me without facts makes you dumb AND stupid.

    Now, I imagine you’d come back with “I bet you make sexist jokes”. Yeah, I probably have. But you know what? I’ve also made fat jokes while being fat. Jokes are jokes. I’ll acknowledge there is a time and a place for them, and that they are not sunshine and rainbows, but if you take me seriously, you’re more delusional than I am.

  49. Befriend women.
  50. I’m going to straight say this, the reason I don’t have many female friends is because my wife, like most women, get super jealous of me being around other women. Now mind you, I have never cheated on any girl I have dated. If you’re still counting, that’s four women, including my wife. The first two were mutual breakups because of moving, the last she broke up with me to date another guy, and then there is my wife. Again, character and integrity, I don’t cheat. But I am also naive, and I like attention even though I am not fond of seeking it, so she is afraid less-integrity women will try to persuade me with their feminine wiles. So if you are female, not married, and wonder why I might not always eye-level with you, it’s nothing personal, I just try to keep it above the neck.

    Although we would like more adult couples to do adult couple-type things with. You know, because we’re adults and not high-schoolers.

  51. Find female mentors/leaders. (i.e., Be subordinate to women.)
  52. I work for a company whose president, is female, and much of the upper management is also female. I respect that like I respect anyone who has put the time and effort it takes to get to the top. Seeing this tells me that it can be done. But subordination is a strong word and one I am not too keen to accept, especially if that person is total bullshit. Thankfully, no one I work with is such, but just because you are a woman in power in a company doesn’t exempt you from professional ethics and character. If you give me bullshit, you will get called out on it. Period.

  53. When in a romantic relationship, be responsible for events and special dates associated with your side of the family.
  54. A fair point, I am not good at communication and remembering things, but then we have very limited interaction with my side of the family, since they all live sixteen hours away.

  55. Don’t police women’s appearance
  56. I love the way my wife looks any time and any place. I don’t need her in makeup or fancy clothes to love her appearance. She chooses to put these on to go out in public or when we go places. Perhaps this could be an internalized response, but the way she has always told me is that she feels that women can be bothered to make themselves look presentable, if not for themselves, but professionally for where they work or even to go out to the store. You, yourself, are a brand. When you are single looking for a mate, you dress and act to sell yourself to someone else. When you interview for a job you dress and speak for success. If you think the male boogeyman is keeping you down and the appropriate countermeasure is to wear frumpy clothes and not shower for two weeks, be my guest, but really, if you aren’t doing anything for yourself first before others, you’re missing the point of self-esteem.

  57. Offer to accompany female friends if they have to walk home alone at night…or in a public space where they may be likely to feel unsafe.
  58. >But don’t be pushy about it or act like you are being the Ultimate Gentleman for doing so.
    >act like you are being the Ultimate Gentleman
    >Ultimate Gentleman
    *tips fedora*
    Seriously though, I get that some guys do this for the brownie points, or the chance to score, and you know, some women oblige them. That’s their prerogative. But helping people isn’t an alien concept. We tell guys who come over and have too much to drink to stay the night, or have someone drive them home. Not being a drinker myself, I’ve always been the designated driver for my wife and her female friends. I don’t do this to get into their pants, I do this because I am not a shitty human being and want them all to get home safe.

    Once again, it’s typical of radfems to ignore women’s choice of sexuality, and if they choose to drag that boy into their place after he walked her home and give him what for, that’s her decision. Not yours.

  59. Inject feminism into your daily conversations with other men.
  60. Bwahahahaha, oh man. The first example is “If your father doesn’t do his fair share of housework, talk to him about why this is important.” I don’t really know where my father stands on these sorts of issues, but I am pretty sure he’d say he doesn’t give a shit. Like most people from his generation, they either grew up in the stereotypes we’re bitching about now, or they simply don’t care. I can tell you growing up, he also was not the Class A Couch King who didn’t do anything around the house. He did a lot of cleaning and cooking. I looked forward to ziti and steak nights as a kid. So I’m going to go with him not giving a shit being his primary drive when it comes to feminism.

    But another reason why you won’t find me injecting feminism into daily conversations is I do not subscribe to feminism. I agree with some aspects of it, mostly older second-wave definitions and ideas, but I don’t do third-wave or Tumblr feminism, because it’s 2spooky4me.

  61. If you have a tendency to behave inappropriately toward women when you are under the influence of drugs or alcohol, do not consume drugs or alcohol.
  62. Oh, well that’s easy, since I do none. But on the whole, this is a good idea toward anyone.

  63. Be aware of the physical and emotional space you occupy, and don’t take up more space than you need.
  64. Ah, we’re talking about manspreading without actually namedropping, aren’t we?

    I tend to keep my power level to a minimum, but when it needs to be maximum, you better keep up, or get out.

  65. Walk the walk about income inequality.
  66. 23% of my income to “social justice causes”? Get bent. Aside from the fact your income inequality shit is a bunch of shit, I wouldn’t donate to a social justice cause even if I were rich as hell and could just throw money at people. I donate to Child’s Play and similar organizations because whiny, blue-haired, upper-middle-class, privileged white girls do not need my money. Children in hospitals with cancer or other diseases do. I’m often amazed at how the further outstretched their hands are than their messages about feminism.

  67. Get in the habit of treating your maleness as an unearned privilege that you have to actively work to cede rather than femaleness being an unearned disadvantage that women have to work to overcome.
  68. You know what? We’re at the end of this so let’s come clean about the birds and the bees.

    I’m really, truly, sorry that the human race does things like regulate the female gender for centuries as a sort of second-class citizen. I imagine at one point thousands of years ago the intention was there, maybe something like “Well if we divide down the responsibilities we’ll accomplish something before we die at age 25 of the plague!” Obviously the error in judgement continues to be adapting old ways of things to the ever-changing landscape and social scene. Fact is, today we need women in the workplace, government, and other important roles in society to keep them functioning.

    What I will not say I am sorry for is the actions of people fifty, a hundred, five-hundred, or a thousand years ago doing all this. I was born after 1980, I honestly had no control over working conditions in the 1920’s, or colored segregation in the fifties and sixties. What I do have control over is now, and now, I do what I can to ensure that I am not replicating the mistakes of the past. It’s not perfect, because we’re shown a lot of stupid shit by a lot of stupid people in our early lifetimes, but instead of acting like robots who just do our master’s bidding, we can think like fully autonomous human beings and critically think about what is going on.

    And when I critically think, I conclude that while the messages and concepts surrounding modern feminism make sense, the delivery and tone, along with this self-serving righteousness that accompanies it, is overblown and pretentious. I am not going to concern myself every five minutes with checking my maleness or checking my privilege so you can feel good about that worthless college degree you go when your parents told you that you can be anything. You can be any job on this entire planet, one that might make you a lot of money and be successful, and you chose to be a walrus. Upset with your choice, you now want everyone else to be a walrus to save-face and validate your shitty decisions. Stay frosty, friend.

  69. Self-identify as a feminist.
  70. Nope.

And this is why you should ignore things originally published on Tumblr, Livejournal 2.0 and the cesspool of twenty-something liberal arts majors whose only life skills are LIKING and SHARING posts on Facebook. Even then, they don’t understand that you can be an SEO Analyst and do that.

Humans are the best.

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