I’ve been on Facebook now for about six years? Not as long as many, but more than most. Facebook for me is a way to stay in touch with people that I don’t see ever, or only see on occasion due to me being a really big introvert and general dislike of the outdoors. But since Facebook exists to make money more than it does to connect people, my feed also contains a lot of shit I don’t care about. So, in true unordered list fashion, let’s document some of these things.
Submitted for your approval, by the Midnight Society: The Tale of BUY EVERYTHING ON THIS PAGE WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU WHERE IS YOUR WALLET GOD YOU ARE USELESS GET ME YOUR SISTER SHE SPENDS MONEY EASILY BECAUSE CAPITALISM FUCK YEAH
- Facebook Games – I mean seriously, do people actually click on something that says BUILD TOWNS, RAISE ARMIES, PLAY FOR FREE MY LORD? Especially the MY LORD part. Does that actually appeal to neckbeards in basements longing for a woman to serve them like a middle-century medieval peasant? What’s worse, is they just rip graphics from Civ5 or some other already established game like the Chinese rip automotive design from the last four decades.
- Touch of Modern – While I probably brought this on to myself for clicking on a couple thinking they were interesting, I keep forgetting that when you click on ONE THING, Facebook then believes that you need to be given EVERY SINGLE THING that every existed just like it. So now I get numerous sites like ToM harking everything from crazy keyrings to tables that form the fucking Voltron and fight monsters and shit. Remember back then when you had to sign up for catalogs from Sears and JCPenney to get the latest home and fashion trends? No? You’re probably twelve. Get off my lawn.
- Robert Von Finklebottom the Fourth and 39272281 other friends like SUPERWACKYFUNTIME the FACEBOOK PAGE – Look, I get it, the point of advertising is to remind me that my friends like that thing, and since we’re all still in high school mentally on the internet, I should also like that thing, but let’s face it, my friends have shit taste. It’s not a metaphor, it’s a fact, they simply taste shit and think it’s the best. I mean, who likes Facebook? As in Facebook THE PAGE? Bullshit. If three of my friends like Rush Limbaugh, should I also like Rush Limbaugh? Do they not mine all of my status updates and realize that I think he is an overblown scruffy nerf herder? BUT YOU’RE CONSERVATIVE! Yeah, so? Your mom was too, until this morning. AWWWWWWSNAPSON. But seriously, she is a classy lady who really knows how to debate foreign policy. You should talk to her about it. Preferably somewhere other than bed.
- Dollar Shave Club / Loot Crate / Barkbox / Every Other Monthly Subscription Service – First off, whomever revived the monthly subscription service model Time magazine harked in the 90s deserves a fucking medal for pushing it forward into the modern age and using it to siphon yet more money from unsuspecting thirty-something nerds and forty-something former Time magazine subscribers. Simply, fucking, genius. I mean, you know the Dollar Shave Club is worth it, because you know how much razor blades cost retail, but when it dawns on you that they cost pennies to make and those companies sell them retail for 2000% markup, DSC is more than a great deal, it’s a reason to call your attorney general and demand satisfaction. For everything else, it’s basically pandering to social-specific fandoms or cliques, like nerds and pet owners. I tried one of those things way back in the day before the internet. They were awful. And besides, what would I do with a bunch of little trinkets anyway? I have enough of them as it is. How about a “Beef Jerky of the World” club? I’ll join that. Because beef jerky is second only to bacon.
- Eraka Von Finklebottom (Smith) liked this – AKA “Stalkerfeed” is letting you know one of your friends liked this page about Gun-Toting Hipster Midgets from Seattle, Facebook likes to let all of your friends know what you’re doing, in case they want to get in on that action. Sadly, I may have done just that on a couple occasions, but I have to imagine that it’s a dark path into knowing just exactly the sort of sites and pages your friends are interested in, and what might make for some awkward watercooler conversation a day later. So if you’re the type that tends to speak before they think, you might want to re-think that policy before you let everyone else know your “friend” likes the Suicide Girls page. Because if you don’t know what that is, chances are, the title might be misleading.
- This is the year of our Discount Tent. Share with your friends or you will be hit by a bus in fifteen minutes – Quite literally the oldest form of spam on the internet, this is the type of shit us old folks (I’m thirty, by the way) would see in our emails prefaced with RE:RE:FWD:FWD:RE:RE:RE:FWD:CC:PANTS:FWD:RE:RE:RE SILLY HATS MUST SHARE. I used to have mail rules to dump anything with more than one RE or FWD because it was almost always spam, and almost always from my mother. Thankfully, Facebook simplifies matters by containing it all in an obnoxious image done up in Helvetica font with no spacing in-between and negative kerning so that it looks like Cards Against Humanity to appeal to younger folks. Here is a top tip to share with your friends; If everyone won a million dollars resharing a stupid image on the internet, we’d all be fat and happy on a starship like WALL-E.
- THIS IS FOR ALL THE SONS/DAUGHTERS/WIFES/HUSBANDS/FOURTH COUSINS/UNCLE DIDDLES/THAT CRAZY SPANISH TEACHER WE HAD OUR FRESHMAN YEARS/BABYSITTERS OUT THERE~ – Look, I get it, no one wants to buy a Hallmark card to remind you that you’re a special snowflake, so they turn to the next best thing, the internet. Where else can you find sappy, inspirational images that compel women over forty to share with their kids and grand-kids with the express purpose of embarrassing them to the rest of their friends list. Oh they’ll say that isn’t the purpose, that is has some deeper meaning, but that’s what every hardcore Seinfeld fan has been telling me for years, and all I see are hundreds of episodes inside a stupid coffee shop trying to figure out which end of the cornet to eat. Wait, wasn’t that Lucky Star? I’m confused now. What were we talking about?
Got something to add to this list that requires my unique view using WORDSWORDSWORDS? Comment. Because if you share this fifteen times, I’ll come over to your house and hide a quarter somewhere. It’s my social experiment to see how much time, in minimum wage dollars, it takes you to find a quarter, and realize you wasted your fucking time. Brilliant!