I love mornings. Don’t you?
I mean, don’t get me wrong, evenings are fun sometimes too, and the afternoons can be interesting if the humans are around. Where do they go anyway? It always seems to be between specific times too.
I wake up where I normally wake up, some place on the bed, under the sheets, on top of one of the humans, maybe even between the humans if I’m feeling good. They have a penchant for rolling over onto me, or moving me from where I was sleeping. I imagine it is because every time it moves its feet, I have to remind it I’m trying to sleep here. It doesn’t like my claws, yet doesn’t seem to have the nerve to cut them. The other human does, sometimes. I don’t make it easy for it though. It still seems to get me. My roommate, the older cat, he doesn’t seem to mind. I think he just stopped giving a shit.
The fun part of the morning is when it starts to cover itself in these colorful fabrics. Clothes I think they’re called. Interesting stuff. Especially when they put it in these baskets, make it disappear, and then reappear all soft and warm. But each time it goes to do this, it opens this door to another world, a world with more of these clothes, and boxes, and other things. I try to run inside and play, but it always tries to stop me. I imagine it is because I used to jump on its back to get to the top of this world, it doesn’t seem to appreciate my talent. I have to wait until its not looking and jump inside. I think its gotten used to me doing it, it just shuts the door now. That’s kind of creepy, like when I get locked in the other world with the cans and boxes of food they won’t let me eat.
Then after the humans leave, we just run around and make noise. That’s often the best part. My roommate will run away, I’ll chase, I’ll run away, he’ll chase. We’ll do this for about three minutes and then go take up spots on this big soft thing in the main room next to the glowing box the humans watch moving pictures from. If I’m lucky, there is a cardboard box sitting around from something the humans brought home and I gnaw on it, or sit in it, for hours.
Occasionally, we hear another cat somewhere else around the home. Roomie thinks it is the cat across the hall from us, this big white and black cat. He’s always yelling about needing attention and something about window blinds. We’re pretty sure he is suffering from some kind of dementia. Roomie tells me his old roommate used to be pretty crazy, always talked about conspiracy theories, things she used to hear on police scanners with her old human before she came to live with ours. She disappeared when the humans moved homes, he never saw her again. She was old though, probably passed on. That happens sometimes, but I try not to think about it. Not while there is this incredibly soft blanket here to sleep on.
Come to think of it, we used to have a lot of roommates many months ago. They were babies mostly, some accompanied by their mothers. Roomie used to complain about the lack of his “parts” during that time, always saying “Man, all these MILFs, and I don’t have balls? Cruel man. Cruel.” I didn’t really care for them, but the kids were always fun. Kept me occupied during the day. They were always getting into things and breaking the humans stuff. Eventually they would disappear. I always wondered where they went, but we got a couple of relayed messages that they found new homes with new humans elsewhere, so we didn’t worry too much.
Eventually the humans get back and make food for themselves and watch the glowing box, or they sit in front of these other glowing boxes and move their fingers over this thing with buttons or move this other thing with buttons. I love jumping up on the desk and watching this thing move around the screen. But the best is jumping on to the human and being all affectionate and cute. Every time I do that, it pets me and scratches my ears and butt, and that’s the best. Our favorite game is to jump up, crawl all over it, jump down, and keep doing it. It gets so annoyed that it keeps picking us up and dropping us on the floor. We think it’s pretty funny, but then it picks up this bit orange thing that fires these green discs, and those things kinda sting, so that’s our cue to back off and run away. Still, damn funny. Roomie loves to jump on top of this black box and observe the room.
The best nights though are when they’re out on the big soft thing watching the glowing box, then we can lay on them and sleep and they don’t even care. They even pet us and scratch us. It’s the next best thing to the sex I can’t have since they took out my “parts” too. I’m not too bothered by it though. Kids are a pain in the ass. At least here I get all the food, water, sleep, and attention I want.
At the end of the night, when they go to sleep, I jump on top of the bed and take up my spot sleeping on them, or near them. I usually get some more attention and scratches, and maybe even a cuddle or two. Being a cat really is pretty fantastic. We like to rub the faces of the dogs that come over here sometimes, though the one from nearby us tells us he gets to sleep in a bed too. We had a this rabbit couple that lived here once too, but they wouldn’t even talk to us. Elitists. All they ever ate was hay anyway. I haven’t seen those lizards in a long, long time. Wonder what they’re up to?
I’ll tell you though, the best part about being cats in a human world, is messing with their heads. The humans always look at me and say “Potato, Potato, come here Potato!” and snap their fingers or whistle. What is “Potato”? Is it a box? A kind of food? I have no clue, but rather than come over and see what they want, sometimes I pretend to just sit there and stare and act like I didn’t hear them. It’s hilarious. They usually just give up. But often they come and smash their face into mine. Kind of annoying actually. But it always results in petting, so I ignore it. Humans are funny creatures for beings that lack hair everywhere except their head and “parts”.
Speaking of “parts”, did I tell you about the time I saw the humans doing this thing to each other one night…