So aside from spending most of the weekend either out and about, things around the apartment, or being lazy and watching Rescue Me, I did, at her request, buy my girlfriend Pokemon Black. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to play really, the thing about her is, she wasn’t anywhere near the vidya or animu nerd she is now when we met. Granted she is still thousands of power levels behind me, but I was quite perplexed when she asked me to buy the game. So I did. I also threw in a copy of Megamind, which we watched Saturday night with one of her friends over. Pretty funny movie, and not quite what I initially expected.

Yesterday she asked me to bring her home from work because she was not feeling well, throwing up, and so on. She drove to work, which meant I’d have to leave her car there overnight and bring her to work the next day (unless she called out). I initially tried to see if someone nearby could take me over there, but couldn’t reach anyone fast enough, so I went to get her and continued trying to get someone to bring me back later in the night to grab the car. On the way back however, I was stopped at the off-ramp in town when a woman and her two kids plowed into my rear-end suddenly. I was a bit pissed, not so much because she hit me, but because rather than asking me if I or my girlfriend were okay, she cops some five second story about how she spaced out and has MS, and is asking me if I need her insurance information. I’m a fair guy, but I don’t want to hear excuses for why you can’t put your foot on the brakes, nor an apology for your actions. We waited for another half hour for a state trooper to arrive, and one of my girlfriend’s friends to bring her back to the apartment. Another 20 minutes and I got my report and came home to survey the damage. She pretty much cracked and caved in the corner of the bumper, and bent the rear bar inside, but other than that no other major damage I could see.

So now I have to deal with her insurance company, which is some random non-major name I’ve never heard of with little contact information and even less service as the lady doesn’t even have direct access to the system. All I want from this is the bumper fixed, it’s not a new car, I had no medical injuries, just a new bumper and I’ll be on my way. Today I had to take a PTO day to take care of my girlfriend, who was still throwing up and sick overnight and this morning. She is better than before, but hasn’t eaten anything in awhile. I don’t take days off of work, even if I am the one sick, so it was a bit awkward to be sitting around all morning, so I am trying to get things done from yesterday like laundry and some cleaning done.

I’ve been thinking of going back and trying to scrub some of the past of mine away from the internet. A lot of my early work from the late 90’s is long gone, but some of the stuff from 2000 on, like Livejournal, is more or less useless and probably will hurt future job prospects if I keep it around. Even this here is probably not a good idea, but I’ve always found leaving a little piece of my past someplace that I could read it in the future, isn’t going to hurt anyone. Only problem is a lot of that is old drama, useless banter, and things no one needs to read from someone who has been starved for e-attention since the internet was created. I don’t think I can ever change the kind of person I am, the kind of emotions I seek, but a lot of my past ten years has been a joke every time I read about it. The times were good, and I wouldn’t trade them away, but I wasted a lot of time and money on shit no one gives a shit about, things no one needs, and on friends that chose not to stand by me when I needed it or blew the trust I had in them. The cold truth is I had to burn a lot of bridges to get to where I am not, some of those I don’t miss, some I do. I often joke about how I have no friends, I really don’t. Half-dozen maybe, no really close friends, most I don’t see on a regular basis, and I am okay with that. I am okay with people living their own lives and leaving me to work on my own most of the time. That was what kept me back all those years, clingy friends with no personal life to lead, no ambition to heart, and they all thought I was some kinda center of the universe, the guy with the car, the place to stay, the party zone. I lapped it up all those years, because I had never had any sort of attention in my life before, I was a goddamn nerd for crying out loud, but after awhile, I couldn’t take it anymore, I couldn’t continue to lead a life that would get me nowhere, it wasn’t going to get me a career, a wife, kids, a nice house, and a family, and a place to live comfortably until I face my final greatest fear in life, and that’s death. When I tried to reach out and make this known, I got into fights. I got into arguments. I shelled myself away. I lost my girlfriend, several jobs, hobbled along as people stopped talking to me because I wasn’t good to their friends, my friends. I never once turned to drinking, or smoking, or drugs, or cutting, or any other self-destructive behavior, because I never had it that bad. I never was truly down on my luck, I had a roof over my head, food to eat, people who cared about me, and as luck would hold, someone who would eventually care about me, and not just care, but still be there at the end of the night after I made a goddamn ass of myself for the twelfth time by being an asshole. I have anger issues, I have rage issues, I probably could’ve seriously killed a couple of people, but I always kept my head on me thinking that if I kept myself going, and really put my shit together, I could find what I was looking for, and honestly, I am about halfway there now.

I’m still not sure if I will go through with it or not, because when it comes down to it, I won’t trade my mistakes away for anything, because they got me here today. Everything in those journal entries represents a point in my life where I made the stupidest godawful decision I could have ever made, and when you read them 10 years later, you realize that if you hadn’t came back from that, you’d still be living the lie you conjured up for yourself all those years ago.

I’m still getting rid of Myspace though. That place is so goddamn useless and it hurts my eyes with these idiots and their sense of web design.