Another decade is closing and another year is closing. People like to make New Year’s Resolutions to basically make up for the fact that they basically failed to do something during that year, or it makes them feel fuzzy inside to tell other people they’ll fix something about themselves in the new year, and then never do it. No, usually each year I end up coming up with a short-list of Anti New Year’s Resolutions, all the terrible things I am going to do this year that I did the last. Say that last line with the inflection of Marcus in Borderlands, it sounds better. Much like “Vladof, you don’t need to be a better shot, you just need to shoot more bullets!”
1. Troll More People
This is easy really, while many Internet and Real Life people disagree on methods and execution, trolling is in fact as easy as pretending to listen to what your girlfriend is saying about her day, and then promptly asking her if she has ever seen that part in Hot Shots: Part Duex where the two girls parody American Gladiators and then joust to the finish. Unless she counters you by actually having seen it and knows what you are talking about, you will either get a “…what?” or “#%@#^#& AREN’T YOU LISTENING TO ME?” Either way, you win.
2. I still drive like I’m Cole Trickle in Days of Thunder
Having ridden with my mother I can safely say, Dad, that she does not have a lead foot. Rather, I tie my UNLIMITED SPEEDY SPEED BOY WORKS to that of the fact that I listen to Super Eurobeat louder than I ever was while driving down the highway at around 80mph. I figure three things will happen, I will get pulled over by a State Trooper, wrap myself around a telephone pole, or blow the engine off my car. While all of the above is considered BAD END and I make every effort to avoid it when all possible, I invite you to see the above statement as to why I am so awesome.
3. The Internet is my sandbox, and Tonka trucks can turn on a dime, Macross style
Yes, I fell to the terror that is Facebook, I held out for a long time, and really, looking at it now, it just became another device in which I use to annoy as many people as humanly possible, because that amuses me. If you aren’t aboard this Fail Express you should be, because who doesn’t like pictures of cats? Or cats with lasers? Yodeling cats? Look this up on Youtube. Engineers with cats. Now.
4. Anime isn’t a waste of my time, standing in the same room while you steal my oxygen is however.
It’s kinda like Saturday Morning Cartoons, I download a bunch of shit on Saturdays to watch, and watch them between then and Sunday. Hey, I work all week, and I don’t watch anything else, so you can kiss my ass and chew bubble-gum, and 3DRealms is out of business. You can always count on Duke after all.
5. It’s Nerf or Nothin’
I don’t think I need to explain this. Actually, the Marcus quote can be used here also. Hint: buy me a Vulcan to aim at my screen at work when certain people call.
6. I don’t drink because you are funnier drunk
Most people know this, but in case you didn’t get the memo born Last Thursday at least 100 years ago LOL VAGINA I SAID VAGINA I AM AUTOMAGICALLY FUNNY NAO I don’t drink for personal reasons, however feel free to get completely wasted at our parties and I will attempt to make you do silly things for my own amusement and Rule One. If you are female, it will probably involve running around the building naked. If there are two females, SYMMETRICAL DOCKING and if there are three females, TRAFFIC SIGNAL. If you are a guy.. well.. don’t throw up on anything, else I lock you downstairs with Zoey.
7. There are bears outside
I’m an anti-social nerd for a reason, actually there is no reason, BUT IT’S A PERFECT DAY OUT CHRIS, NO? TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA-TAKKA—-
8. World of Warcraft still sucks
Remind me why I tried to play this again?
9. No I LOVE cats, I want to RUB MY FACE ALL OVER THEM
Seriously.
10. This blog will be just as ignored as it always was
>>implying i have no life
I hope that cleared a few things up for you as far as my next year is concerned. Really, I feel that this year was the tipping point in what I hope to be the full-circle on my mostly stagnant post-high school life, and really, it could be worse, I could be clubbing baby seals, clubbing baby walruses who lost their buckets, clubbing LIKE IT’S 1901, or clubbing my ex-girlfriend in the uterus. I kid, I kid, I would never do that to her, it’s more amusing to watch it come out and absorb some of this wonderful ObamaCare we’ll all be paying for soon. It’s like proxy child support!
GOD BLESS AMERICA