I often like to go back and read a handful of old posts from the past archives, if not for the Nostalgia Goggles factor, but it often sheds a lot of insight into how much things have changed in what seems like only yesterday. I’m often told I am fixated with the past, and I suppose I am in some respects, but to me, I just perceive time differently I suppose. I don’t believe I am fixated on the past for the express purpose of wanting to relive it in any capacity, because as wonderful as some of those good times were, if I were to try to relive them now in my present state of thinking, it would not seem right. I can’t walk into Denny’s at 1am with a huge group of friends on the weekend and expect it to be just like those days when we did just that almost every night. I think one of the benefits of linear time is that once the moment is gone, and gone for good, we no longer need to worry about the moment, because it will never happen the same way again. Still, I like to believe I have learned a lot from the past 11 years in this state. I think it has made me a better person. Not a perfect person, or even a wonderful person, but a good person.
Over this past year, which I consider to be my most successful year since probably 2002, I’ve worked a lot to try to build up a foundation to move forward with. It’s not quite there yet, a few more things need to happen, but I like to think I make some progress every day despite minor setbacks. I try not to let a lot of things get to me as much as they should, one of my weaknesses is falling to pressure, and this job is full of pressure on an almost daily basis, between co-workers and customers. Many of my goals this year are to wiggle into a position where I can better control some of these elements, and mold them as I see fit. I feel that is the type of person I am, I crave control over a situation, in which I will master it and make it mine, and help bring others up to see my vision. It’s a combination of many management styles, forged from years of observation, other managers I’ve worked for, and my own perception of how a leader leads. It’s going to be tough, because we have very limited resources in the company and I don’t want to compromise mine or anyone else’s position, nor step on toes.
In my personal ventures and relationships, I have much work to still do. I’m still a weak introverted ball, and my efforts to expand on that myself have not worked out favorably, somewhat complicated by my girlfriend’s revelation that friends are in fact a pain in the ass and probably not worth the time, which made me laugh. It’s not that I don’t want friends, it’s that I am pretty picky about who I open up to. I try not to reference and whine about my past, but I am a old school nerd who like others in the 90’s, got made fun of for being into computers, video games, and the such. Today it’s hip and cool to be a nerd, no thanks to Facebook, and it pisses me off that pretentious fucks run around slinging old video game references and tech-speak that I got made fun of for 10+ years ago.
I don’t want my old group of friends back, I never did. When they started putting their personal lives and drama out there for everyone to deal with, when they wanted to move outside of the friendzone for me or someone else, it wasn’t fun to hang out anymore. I enjoyed the company, having friends with similar interests to bullshit with on anime, games, internets, play some vidya, have a good time. That’s what I miss, I miss having a few good people to piss in the wind with, male or female. It also doesn’t help that I am old and a lot of people I hang around with now are 4-10 years younger than me, and it makes me feel like I can’t make any friends in my own age group, because they’re “grown up” and by then, those aren’t friends, they’re acquaintances or colleagues, the kind you invite to dinner parties. But I also value my time alone, and with my girlfriend, and that was the problem with dating someone in your friends circle, when you share the same group of friends, it’s impossible to spend time alone with your significant other without someone barging in or interjecting their opinion of how they think the relationship should go. It’s troublesome really.
Then there are my self-conscious and self-esteem issues. In all honesty, I am okay with myself. I don’t think I am ugly, or horribly overweight, or undesirable. I don’t make as much of an effort to exercise regularly, but I try to control my diet a little and dress somewhat appropriately. Still, I have a lot of issues linked to above where I don’t think other people want to be around me because I don’t have a personality that meshes with anyone. I have nerd interests, I write a goddamn anime blog, and play a lot of vidya, I’m not exactly the first person people talk to about football, baseball, cars, or anything most men know a lot about. I seem to be keeping with my girlfriend’s friends mostly by making fun of her (lovingly of course) and playing board games, but I thought it be best not to repeat previous mistakes and not create mutual friends, she can have hers, I can have… one. Eh. I’m a pessimist a lot.
So going into 2011, aside from job goals I’d like to accomplish, I’m hoping to find a therapist one of these fucking days when I stop procrastinating, and try to work on some of these issues. Until then, I’m attempting to stave off sinking back into WoW by playing the hell out of everything else I own and doing random things for work. I think that is the trick, keep myself from being bored.