I’ve talked about my numerous personal and social issues in the past, many times while trying to elicit obvious sympathy from phantoms aka people on the internet. That has been met with pretty much boo-hoos, attempts at superior understanding of psychology, or “that’s nice…”. I’ve learned to roll with it really.

But now that I have health insurance again, the kind that is not government funded, I’m considering finding a psychologist, or at best, someone to talk to that may or may not help straighten my life up. The problem is, I’d like to accomplish this without the use of drugs. I know some people say they work, but other people say they don’t, and I’ve always been the type of person to even refuse OTC medication for a headache unless it is really bothering me. I don’t want to go on something that I can’t get off of, or be put into a position where I become a different person I do not intend to me, or worse.

I don’t really know what I am though, while I feel depressed or probably show signs of depression, I still rationalize things to where I feel like I am fine, that life is fine, and that I am happy. But once I start thinking about my life, my childhood, many negative experiences, my ex, my adolescence, death, or a number of other events, I feel as if I just spin them over and over and over again with no real closure and no way out. Sure they were in the past, sure they are done and over with, and sure I should be moving on, but when I bring up anything in casual conversation, it angers me, saddens me, or sends me into a tirade about it when I don’t need to.

The other problem, and this is more pressing to me than the former is, is that I have always been shy, reserved, and an anti-social introvert most of my life. I don’t know why, I always seemed to be a bright happy kid as a kid, full of imagination, always talking, always having a good time, and then middle school and high school came along and I just didn’t gel the same way anymore. Maybe I should have stuck with baseball, been a jock, I dunno, but while I am not to the point where I can’t talk to a living soul, I find it more difficult to make friends, or at the very least, retain them past the stage of mutually leeching off each other for a good time. Ashlynn tells me that I find nothing in common to talk to people about, that my jokes and conversation topics are always something nerdy or not relevant to anyone’s interest. She is right of course, but I never realize it, and she is also right when I try to venture off base and the other person doesn’t get it or shuts me down, I shut myself down. It was a defense mechanism I most likely contrived in middle school to deal with social rejection back then. I still have a very vivid memory of making a lame joke at a scout meeting once in the CT troop that an asshole kid made fun of me for on a constant basis after that. It was kids like that throughout my life that I had to deal with, and every person does, it’s not a new thing to being a teenager, it’s just I took it harder than most people, it was pretty depressing to realize that every day you got up in the morning so you can be called “Queef” all day by a bunch of wannabe skater punks in podunk Indiana while sitting on a bus.

I don’t know if drugs are the answer to this problem. I don’t think they are, but I don’t want to close my mind to anything that might help. I don’t also expect any magic fixes to life. All I want to do is feel better about myself, feel like I can enjoy my life and enjoy the time I spend with others without feeling like everything is a waste of time. I want to be able to eat better, work out more, feel physically healthier, have some nice clothes, maybe even a real hair style. I can do more for myself, but I keep holding myself back.